Let’s discuss what we can learn from Tia’s recent divorce filing as well as other couples who may have been together 10+ years.
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There's a price for any action we don't take, known as opportunity cost. In this video I break down what not healing could be costing you. Don't prolong your healing journey! Here's to your Sexy! Mel Self-Healing is about positioning yourself for the life you want in the future. You can have it all and still not love the life or skin you're in if you're carrying unresolved trauma from your past. We're often told to think about and position ourselves for promotions or retirement. But what about applying that same thinking to the quality of life we desire? Tune in! Here's to your Sexy! 💋 Mel Everyone thinks they can easily identify a placeholder relationship by whether or not your partner is including you in their future or introducing you to their circles. But what if you could still be in a placeholder relationship, without ever knowing it AND your partner did all of the right things like including you in their lives and future? What if after spending years together you finally reached the realization that you were in the relationship with the wrong person? See, the issue with worrying about being someone else’s placeholder is that you’re focused on worrying about not being good enough for them, instead of focusing on whether or not they are the sort of person you actually want to be with. That’s what fear does in any relationship. It causes us to focus on the wrong things, so we’ll always end up with the results we don’t want. In this blog, we’re going to focus on how you can know whether you’re in a placeholder relationship based on your needs and insights versus worrying about whether or not the other person is moving accordingly. #1 Do you know yourself well enough to be confident and happy single? Most people skip over this part because we think it’s normal to just get into relationships and figure things out as we go. Unfortunately, more times than not, that’s a pretty damaging strategy that leaves more people jaded and hurting. If you don’t know yourself and love yourself enough to be a happy, confident, independent single man or woman, then the odds of you succeeding in a relationship are going to be that much more unlikely because the person you’re showing up as isn’t even who you are. Whether you intend to or not you’re sending a representative and that’s not the real you. So there’s no way you’re going to connect with the right person if you haven’t already made the right connections within self first. #2 Do you know your boundaries and speak up for yourself? A big part of weeding out what’s for you and what’s not is going to be the unique boundaries you set in place that works for you. If you aren’t abiding by your boundaries in your love life that’s a clear sign that you’re positioning yourself to be a placeholder in your love life. As a placeholder, anything goes. You’re too afraid to own your voice and speak up when the lines get crossed because you’re again, allowing fear to keep your focus on prioritizing the other person’s needs vs. your own and the boundaries that matter most to you. #3 Are you allowing your unhealed trauma/insecurities to pick your partners? Although we don’t get to choose our childhood environments and have little to no control over our childhood experiences as adults it’s our responsibility to heal our childhood wounds that may be causing us to pick toxic partners. When we carry our childhood trauma around it subconsciously programs us to choose toxic partners who recreate the trauma from our past/childhood. This is the heart of the matter and why it’s so important for more individuals to do the self-healing work before searching for a romantic partner. The chances of you picking right are always going to be slim to none when you’re still moving in a place of insecurities and fear that’s causing you to recreate the same toxic environments from your childhood. There are some of the questions you can ask yourself to learn if you’re subconsciously positioning yourself to play the role of someone else’s placeholder due to things you can control, which is yourself. I don’t believe in playing the victim and leaving the future of our romantic lives up to chance or in the hands of incompetent lovers. Take back control of your love life by getting real with who you are and healing your trauma using one of my HIS guides SHOP THE GUIDES Looking for affordable, inexpensive therapy? Look no further than starting your HIS lifestyle with one of my $27 guidebooks! There are a great start to uncovering your root issues (the why & how to understanding your behavior). If you find yourself unhappy, struggling in relationships, repeating toxic cycles, attracted to narcissistic individuals, the empathetic doormat who everyone depends on but no one is there for you, and so much more these guides will be the start of literally changing your life and/or deepening your self-healing/love journey! Here's to your Sexy! 💋 CURE BAD DATING, PEOPLE CHASING & PLEASING, LOW STANDARDS, & PREMATURE CUT OFFS WORKBOOK
$33.00
No more chasing people who don't appreciate you or trying to prove your worth to those who don't qualify. Learn how to have it all and not prematurely cut off your benefits! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase. CURE BREAKUP OBSESSION, TOXIC DATING, & DADDY ISSUES WORKBOOK
$33.00
No more obsessing over anyone who wasn't worthy of your love. Uproot the true source of your obsession to attract the higher quality love life you deserve! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase. According to CDC, more than 60% of adults suffer from childhood trauma they are likely to carry throughout their entire lifetime. Whether they are unaware of the iceberg effects of their underlying trauma or they don’t know where to begin their healing process, unaddressed childhood trauma is usually the culprit that contributes to the (lack of) quality life experiences they may be suffering. In this article, we are going to cover the ways your childhood trauma may be showing up in your adult life and ruining your happiness. Truth #1: Unaddressed Childhood Trauma Is Carried With The Survivor, Remaining Usually Through Their Lifetime This first truth is key because so many people write off or worst, normalize their childhood trauma. They believe that it’s now “a thing of the past” that doesn’t affect their lives now to any significant degree. But nothing could be further from the truth. Our brain and body literally encode our childhood experiences for better or worse into our being. This serves as a learning and coping mechanism meant to help you (as a child) know what feels good, bad, safe, or dangerous. As a child when your body experiences unsafe circumstances, you started to develop coping strategies in the interest of your survival. Some examples are if your parents or caregivers were abusive you started to appease them to lessen the harm done. Even if they did something you knew was wrong as you grew older you wouldn’t say or do anything to object because your body and mind knew raising any objections would be “very bad” for you. This shows up in your adulthood by you normalizing abusive relationships and “fawning” to appease the offender instead of raising any objections. If your parents were emotionally unavailable it’s likely you developed a tendency to please them by proving your worth or by seeking the attention you lacked by misbehaving. This shows up in your adulthood by you going above and beyond to show others you care or feeling that you have to always give more than the other person so they can understand your worth and stay with you. More of us need to realize and dive deep to address the icebergs that started forming during our childhoods that we are still carrying to this day. Your childhood trauma isn’t something that “just happened so long ago” when you were a kid because your brain and body are literally carrying that trauma around inside of you as a defense mechanism. Truth #2: While It’s Unlikely You’ll Ever Get “Rid” of Your Childhood Trauma, You Can Control Your Triggers Better In Time The next truth is that your experiences as a child through being an adolescent, during a time where you had little control over what may have happened to you or your environment, will last your lifetime. The important thing then becomes not just what happened to you, but how are you going to navigate your life in light of it? You can choose to allow the trauma to rob you of a happy and fulfilling life or you can choose to fight back and not allow the trauma to win. Our goal isn’t to “get rid” of the trauma because depending on how long you endure the experience or how traumatic any single event was we can’t truly erase our memories or what I like to refer to as the “trauma mapping” our body and mind created. Our trauma can be wielded as a tool to help us better understand ourselves and become more self-aware of our triggers. It helps us better understand our needs in a relationship in order to feel secure and form healthy connections. While undertaking this healing process may seem scary at first, if you think about your current state and if you want to continue in that current state for the rest of your life, you may come to see that the perceived risks in starting sooner vs. waiting until later far outweigh any of your fears. Healing is almost like interest compounding. The sooner you start the faster it adds up and increases your quality of life! Truth #3: You Don’t Have to See A Therapist to Start Your Healing Journey, Although One May Be Helpful If You Can Afford One The final truth we’ll cover is how simple it can be for you to start taking control of your unhealed trauma right now, from the comforts of your home without necessarily inviting others into your privacy. One of the major hindrances to seeking help is the stigma associated with seeking a therapist or the expenses. But you can overcome both by using one of the HIS guides available HERE. Whether you seek a therapist or any other professional you have to realize that it’s on you to accept responsibility for not allowing the coping strategies your body developed to stay your norm. You have to do the work for yourself. Any outside help is only going to be able to provide you with resources and tools, but if you’re not using them it won’t change anything in the end, no matter how much you paid or how consistent you were with keeping your appointments. That’s the one thing I nor any other outside resources can’t give you: the self-motivation to say enough is enough and to do the work for your self-healing. SHOP THE GUIDES! Looking for affordable, inexpensive therapy you can start today from the comforts of home? Look no further than starting your HIS lifestyle with one of my $27 guidebooks! There are a great start to uncovering your root issues (the why & how to understanding your behavior). If you find yourself unhappy, struggling in relationships, repeating toxic cycles, attracted to narcissistic individuals, the empathetic doormat who everyone depends on but no one is there for you, and so much more these guides will be the start of literally changing your life and/or deepening your self-healing/love journey! Here's to your Sexy! 💋 CURE BAD DATING, PEOPLE CHASING & PLEASING, LOW STANDARDS, & PREMATURE CUT OFFS WORKBOOK
$33.00
No more chasing people who don't appreciate you or trying to prove your worth to those who don't qualify. Learn how to have it all and not prematurely cut off your benefits! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase. CURE BREAKUP OBSESSION, TOXIC DATING, & DADDY ISSUES WORKBOOK
$33.00
No more obsessing over anyone who wasn't worthy of your love. Uproot the true source of your obsession to attract the higher quality love life you deserve! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase. One of the biggest gripes I’ve seen on both sides of the aisle is the complaint that neither side knows how to start or hold a good, meaningful conversation.
No matter how attracted you may be to someone, that attraction can fizzle out pretty quickly if you find neither of you has anything meaningful to say. This is definitely an area where you as the man, would benefit from taking the lead. Remember, although she may be a pretty face you also should have a criteria you are searching for in a woman. You should be intentional about learning if she meets those criteria beyond just her good looks. You do that by starting meaningful conversations and asking good questions. You’re looking for your best friend or future partner, right? She may need to like dogs or cats. She may need to be okay with the fact you work long hours, that you may have a pre-existing condition or disability, that you like or don’t like something. All of these are the great conversational topics you should be having with a potential match. We’re not on dating apps to find pen pals who want to know “How are you?” or “What are you doing?” all the time. A quality woman is going to be able to start insightful conversations from thin air and it’s on you to show her that you can as well, to match the quality of conversations. Don’t let her take lead in this area too much, otherwise, you will bore her quickly. No matter how good-looking you are. A woman’s mind needs to be mentally stimulated if she is to take you seriously and go to a deeper level with you. Think about the things that interest you or maybe even a funny story about something you learned about women from your sisters or a stranger and use those topics to create fun, engaging conversation where you are sharing your personality and perspective as well as getting to learn more about the person she is. This will help you weed out the right type of woman to build something more substantial with. For more tips on how to get women to date you read How To Get Women To Date You. To learn more about setting up an online dating app profile read How To Setup A Captivating Dating App Profile. Want my help understanding and dating women? Go from Good guy, Nice guy, and even Average guy to Mr. Right. Get the help you need to stop struggling with understanding (and keeping) quality dates and women in your love life! Dating apps no doubt have their cons, but I believe if used properly the good can out weight the bad. For today’s blog, let’s get you set up for success with what to do and what not to do when it comes to setting up your online dating profile.
1 Obviously great photos are a must, but here’s what not to do. Don’t post pictures of you smoking, drinking/bottles, shirtless, in a crowd or group where you’re hard to distinguish, looking bored (or boring), or old photos of you that are older than 3 years (or that would make someone feel they were cat-fished). There are usually options that allow you to notify women that you smoke or drink so use those. Smoking can be seen as unattractive and a turn off is a woman is into fitness or healthy living. Every, single one of your photos should clearly depict you and some of your personality. Photos of you doing something you enjoy from walking your dog to a trip to the beach. Add variety by dressing up nicely as well as casually. Into bikes? Showcase that attire. These are the kind of quality photos that share your personality and can inspire more meaningful conversations. 2 Don’t be negative. At all. It may be tempting to list out all your “Please don’t do this…” or “Come prepared to be my Queen by checking these boxes”. But just don’t. It’s a major turn-off for any new person to be introduced to you when you’re already trying to mold them into a box of someone they haven’t even had time to consider if they want to be all that for you. Your job is to showcase your good side and your honest side to allow them to make that determination for themselves that your quality of character will only entertain a certain quality of other characters. 3 Be a conversationalist, but not longwinded. No long lists or bullet points on what you like or what you’re looking for. Those do not generate quality dates or meaningful conversations. It makes dating more transactional. Be interesting by sharing something fun or unique about yourself or something that you did. Have you been someplace new or memorable? Do you have a fun story to share? How have you been growing and learning new things? Share a snippet and invite women to engage by saying “I’d love to share more if this sounds interesting to you.” If you can incorporate playfulness with a game that’s a plus. You can do so by inviting women to guess something about you or a picture or by starting a light debate on a controversial topic. For more tips on how to get women to date you read How To Get Women To Date You. Want my help understanding and dating women? Go from Good guy, Nice guy, and even Average guy to Mr. Right. Get the help you need to stop struggling with understanding (and keeping) quality dates and women in your love life!
Men interested in being in a healthy relationship and starting a family should know how important it is to be vulnerable, especially as a man.
Your wife needs you to be able to let her in and allow her to be your rock at times, instead of you always being so strong and building up walls. Your children, especially your sons need to see a balanced man; a strong man who knows how to process being human. One day most of us may be blessed to reach an old age which will be one of the most humbling experiences where we can’t always be as strong as we like. Relationships are never just about a man being a strong protector and provider. Men must also learn to be nurturing to provide a well-rounded balance to the family dynamic. For a man to successfully bond with a woman he has to be comfortable being vulnerable with her. The most common challenge when it comes to putting vulnerability into practice for men is just the act of owning their voice and putting it out there. Men have been largely conditioned to keep their emotions to themselves because other men and even women treat it as a sign of weakness. But the truth is men are human too, and humans have thoughts and emotions that need to be expressed.] Another challenge is that being vulnerable means facing the often-unaddressed trauma men have. This means processing and dealing with a host of emotions that men feel make them appear weak or not masculine. This is a common misconception the future health of our relationships needs more men to understand. We need you to have the courage to face your inner fears and traumas and we need you to overcome them. This is the only way we can start to experience healthier and happier relationships. A few practical ways for men to embrace vulnerability is to first commit to doing the work on yourself. Stop normalizing any traumatic experiences from your childhood and get the help you need to process and overcome them. This will help you choose better dating partners. The second way is to become intentional about not hiding your true thoughts and feelings and learn how to express yourself in a healthy way to your partner and other life situations such as at work or with family and friends. Becoming a well-rounded man shows up in the quality of the relationship. We are talking about creating a healthy lifestyle by becoming your best self in all areas. Interested in having me mentor you more on all things love, dating/relationships, and women? Sign up for my A Lady’s Man Academy dating course to be the first to know when registration opens. Let’s talk about getting back out there after you’ve taken some time off the scene to do some inner work. I remember not long ago I felt ready to be open again so I signed up for a dating app and it wasn’t long before I met an attractive teddy bear. He was playful so we got into a friendly debate on gender roles and we had an amazing back and forth because he initiated and reciprocated our conversation through a little game he’d come up with. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I suspected he was already in a relationship with someone else when we moved off the dating platform to our phones. My little heart could have been crushed once again, and I was disappointed. But it definitely didn’t rock my world the way it could have had I still left my daddy issues unresolved. I’m sure you’ve heard the horror stories. But don’t allow them to scare you from the chance to meet someone else who’s done the work and is ready. You have to trust the work you’ve done on self to shield you from the bad actors and to guide you as you give love another chance. Dating and love require that you trust the process because if you enter with your insecurities or trust issues you’re really only setting yourself and the future of your love life up for failure. At some point, you have to get past your fears and anxiety and ideally, this will happen before you enter a relationship and project any of that onto the other person. Could I have been mad enough to text something snarky or call him out? Sure. But sending that type of energy out wouldn’t have changed what happened and I didn’t want to give any more time to the situation. Another quick story. Not long after I met another attractive guy. The problem with this one was he seemed too busy with his own life to make any time to get to know me. It took him days to get back sometimes and I had to realize that no matter how genuine and nice of a guy he may be I need someone who has the availability to be consistent. I didn’t need to feel bad for not getting back once he finally did. I just need to let him go by not responding to something I no longer wanted in my life (inconsistent people). End of story. As you can see, doing the inner work on self will certainly change the way you date and I hope as you have more encounters you find confidence, not fear in getting back out there. Yes, it means you have fewer dates most times because it’s a numbers game where I encourage you to prioritize quality over quantity. Save yourself the time and trouble of “taking a chance” on people who aren’t treating you like a priority. Trust your inner voice with the work you’ve been doing and enjoy the experiences of getting out there and finding love. SHOP THE GUIDES! Looking for affordable, inexpensive therapy? Look no further than starting your HIS lifestyle with one of my $27 guidebooks! There are a great start to uncovering your root issues (the why & how to understanding your behavior). If you find yourself unhappy, struggling in relationships, repeating toxic cycles, attracted to narcissistic individuals, the empathetic doormat who everyone depends on but no one is there for you, and so much more these guides will be the start of literally changing your life and/or deepening your self-healing/love journey! Here's to your Sexy! 💋 CURE BAD DATING, PEOPLE CHASING & PLEASING, LOW STANDARDS, & PREMATURE CUT OFFS WORKBOOK
$33.00
No more chasing people who don't appreciate you or trying to prove your worth to those who don't qualify. Learn how to have it all and not prematurely cut off your benefits! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase. CURE BREAKUP OBSESSION, TOXIC DATING, & DADDY ISSUES WORKBOOK
$33.00
No more obsessing over anyone who wasn't worthy of your love. Uproot the true source of your obsession to attract the higher quality love life you deserve! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase.
Masculinity is a BIG factor in the world of men where it can mean survival of the fittest.
Unfortunately, there is a bit of toxic masculinity and confusion on what masculinity even is because a lot of men don’t have good examples to look up to. I’m not a man, so of course, I can’t speak on everything that comes with what healthy masculinity looks like. But I can speak on being human, which men still are as well as what a good father, husband, and life partner looks like, and hopefully, this can help you shape your own identity as a man. I believe every man is responsible for defining his masculinity and shaping himself into the man he desires to be. Regardless of his past, not having a present father figure every man who hopes to lead a family and leave a legacy must become capable of first leading himself. If you’re lost on where to start defining your masculinity or feel you have to unlearn a lot of toxic masculinity one good place I like to encourage men to start is to look at examples of any good leader and pull out the characteristics that stand out to you. What makes that person a good leader? Why do they command so much admiration and respect? If you can, reach out and see if they may be able to mentor you. Remember, there are good and bad leaders as we talked about in The Damage of Anger & Insecurities To Your Legacy of Leadership so it’s important not to feel being a leader comes with an entitlement. It doesn’t. The heart of a leader is always one who serves. After determining the skill sets you’d like to develop more of from good leaders, consider getting in touch more with your feminine energy. A big misconception our society pushes on men is to show any sign of emotion or anything but strength is a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, this very thing is what destroys relationships when men don’t know how to express their emotions like anger or depression. A healthy masculinity definitely involves you becoming comfortable processing and expressing your emotions. That means being comfortable with your feminine side and moving between the two energies of masculine and femininity that exists in every human being. It's about finding your balance. At the end of the day, only you get to decide the type of man and leader you’ll become. No matter how much unlearning or learning you must do, put in the work because it’s worth it. For your present situation and the future of those who will someday depend on you. Interested in having me mentor you more on all things love, dating/relationships, and women? Sign up for my A Lady’s Man Academy dating course to be the first to know when registration opens. |
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