Are You Stuck in A Placeholder Relationship?

Everyone thinks they can easily identify a placeholder relationship by whether or not your partner is including you in their future or introducing you to their circles.

But what if you could still be in a placeholder relationship, without ever knowing it AND your partner did all of the right things like including you in their lives and future?

What if after spending years together you finally reached the realization that you were in the relationship with the wrong person?

See, the issue with worrying about being someone else’s placeholder is that you’re focused on worrying about not being good enough for them, instead of focusing on whether or not they are the sort of person you actually want to be with.

That’s what fear does in any relationship. It causes us to focus on the wrong things, so we’ll always end up with the results we don’t want.

In this blog, we’re going to focus on how you can know whether you’re in a placeholder relationship based on your needs and insights versus worrying about whether or not the other person is moving accordingly.

#1 Do you know yourself well enough to be confident and happy single?
Most people skip over this part because we think it’s normal to just get into relationships and figure things out as we go. Unfortunately, more times than not, that’s a pretty damaging strategy that leaves more people jaded and hurting.

If you don’t know yourself and love yourself enough to be a happy, confident, independent single man or woman, then the odds of you succeeding in a relationship are going to be that much more unlikely because the person you’re showing up as isn’t even who you are. 

Whether you intend to or not you’re sending a representative and that’s not the real you. So there’s no way you’re going to connect with the right person if you haven’t already made the right connections within self first.


#2 Do you know your boundaries and speak up for yourself?
A big part of weeding out what’s for you and what’s not is going to be the unique boundaries you set in place that works for you. If you aren’t abiding by your boundaries in your love life that’s a clear sign that you’re positioning yourself to be a placeholder in your love life.

As a placeholder, anything goes.

You’re too afraid to own your voice and speak up when the lines get crossed because you’re again, allowing fear to keep your focus on prioritizing the other person’s needs vs. your own and the boundaries that matter most to you.


#3 Are you allowing your unhealed trauma/insecurities to pick your partners?
Although we don’t get to choose our childhood environments and have little to no control over our childhood experiences as adults it’s our responsibility to heal our childhood wounds that may be causing us to pick toxic partners.

When we carry our childhood trauma around it subconsciously programs us to choose toxic partners who recreate the trauma from our past/childhood.

This is the heart of the matter and why it’s so important for more individuals to do the self-healing work before searching for a romantic partner.

The chances of you picking right are always going to be slim to none when you’re still moving in a place of insecurities and fear that’s causing you to recreate the same toxic environments from your childhood.


There are some of the questions you can ask yourself to learn if you’re subconsciously positioning yourself to play the role of someone else’s placeholder due to things you can control, which is yourself.

I don’t believe in playing the victim and leaving the future of our romantic lives up to chance or in the hands of incompetent lovers.

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