The last thing you may ever want to do is to tell your spouse a hard truth that may cause them pain. Whether it’s bringing up hurtful memories from the past or bringing the truth to light for the first time, there’s no easy way to get around it.
Here are my recommended tips for breaking the tough news.
First, get it together. When you express your true thoughts you don’t want to be all over the place or fire off shots like a loose cannon.
Really think about how you feel and be able to articulate to your partner the source; your why for feeling this way. This will pinpoint the root issue to allow you to focus on creating solutions later on.
Next, get your partner’s buy-in. Don’t just spring something this heavy on them out of the blue or when they may not be in the mental capacity to absorb it.
Check-in and ask them for a good time for you both to have a heavy discussion. Share there have been some things on your mind that you’d like to share with them and to have their help in working through.
After you have their buy-in and a set time to talk, start on a positive note. Reaffirm your love for them and the relationship. Reaffirm your desire to make things work and how much you appreciate having their presence in your life.
Then you can transition by saying something like, “I would like to share my honest thoughts and feelings about something that’s been bothering me for a while because I would like to work through it…”
If your spouse starts interrupting you or getting worked up before you have a chance to convey your message, stop. Do not continue to engage because they have a filter up and the odds of your message being delivered effectively are low.
Simply say “I don’t think right now seems to be a good time to have this discussion if we aren’t going to be able to do so without it becoming an argument. I don’t want to fight. I want to be able to express something I’d like to change and for it to get better.”
Encourage your partner to seek intervention with a neutral third party who you can both trust to remain impartial and give fair feedback.
Being able to live your whole truth is essential to your happiness and the sense of security you both feel in your relationship.
It can prove harder to reconcile any differences the longer you hide your true feelings because the length of time you keep your true thoughts a secret will be calculated in the mind of your partner.
Their mind will naturally think “Well if you could keep this from me for so long, pretending to be good all this time then what else might you be hiding from me?”
Too often we make the mistake of thinking that events in our marriages have an expiration date for when one or both individuals should be able to “just get over it already”.
For example, in the event of infidelity in the marriage if the couple decides to work through it the partner guilty of stepping out on the union will repeatedly experience reactive episodes from the one who was cheated on.
Eventually, the guilty party will feel like “enough is enough” and how much longer am I supposed to endure this treatment or resentment?
And that’s a hard thing for both individuals involved in the relationship because it’s not like the one who has been hurt takes pleasure being reminded every day that they were cheated on and are trying to not see that hurt when they look at their partner.
We don’t get to set an expiration date on our feelings, much less our partner’s.
Are you struggling in your relationship with your loved one? See how I may be able to help you save your current relationship!