 One of our biggest quests is to find and do life with our soulmate. But this journey is often filled with a lot of wrong turns and enough uncertainty to reduce our optimistic hope down to jaded suspicion . Here is a list I compiled after doing my own research on the topic that I hope will help re-inspire you on your journey as it did for me. 1 You must become what you seek A truly amazing thing happens when you envision the right One for you and then put in the work to be that for yourself. For example, do you envision “The One” being someone who would buy you flowers just because or on your bad days? Then that’s exactly how you should be treating yourself. Surprisingly, most of us will just have a bad day and eat ice cream and stay depressed without doing something nice for ourselves to cheer us up. In order to attract someone who is (insert whatever quality you’re looking for), you must first already BE that thing. Because sure you may attract a few of the right people initially, but in order to stay in a relationship with the right person, you’re going to have to hold yourself accountable for being the right person to be will also. This is why this platform Healing Is Sexy (HIS) focuses primarily on helping more individuals become the best version of self first. You can start your journey by visiting the HIS store. When you truly start to embody and show up as the person you desire to have love you it means you move with confidence, you are no longer interested in qualities that are below your standard so you save yourself from more heartache. You’ll have an easier time attracting and recognizing when you’ve met The One because you’ll have been living exactly what that looks like for you. Knowing you are actively aware and working on your flaws also gives you the confidence and grace to be humble and forgiving. Instead of being overly judgmental of your future partner’s flaws you can accept your partner isn’t perfect and be more mindful of how your words and actions may be harmful to your partner. You’ll be creating an environment that’s safe for the two of you to make mistakes and quickly apologize which is important to the longevity of any relationship. 2 Stop entertaining what you don’t want The men and women who aren’t consistent, don’t take initiative to show you they are thoughtful or caring, or who constantly make you feel like you have to put in more work just to get a tenth of the same energy reciprocated back to you. It’s time to stop entertaining them because they are actually only reinforcing your negative perceptions and experiences with love. To attract the positive, high-quality love life you want with the right person you’re going to have to tell the universe what’s not going to make the cut with your actions. In this case, it means you stop entertaining the wrong people. No more waiting around for the call or text because they’re too busy. No more filling in the blanks for them because they don’t know how to bring up a meaningful conversation or suggest a date. No more investing in people who don’t treat your time with the same high regard you would theirs. It’s that simple, but we can make it harder when we try to “be nice” or avoid hurting others' feelings so we keep giving them the benefit of the doubt at our expense. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Two strikes are ample opportunity to decide on whether they are worthy of your time or if you just need to accept the behavior they are showing you as a sign of who they are and move on. 3 Make a list Not a list riddled with the superficial things you want like a certain height. This list should be a combination of the first two. Make a list of the “soft” qualities you are seeking in your romantic partner (which should also be the qualities you’re going to focus on manifesting in your own life) and also make a list of the things you will no longer entertain. If you’re struggling with where to start, you can look at the example your parents set (or didn’t) set for you. Make a list of the qualities good and bad you’ve experienced from your relationship with your mom and dad to better distinguish what is unique to you and your needs in a partner. If you’re someone who lacked a good mother or father role model it will definitely reflect in how you relate to the opposite sex and the needs you’ll require to feel secure in that relationship connection. Some examples of things to seek in a partner is emotionally available and secure, who takes initiative so you don’t feel like you’re the only one who cares about the relationship, and someone willing to learn and grow as an individual and for the sake of your relationship. An example of things to avoid are individuals who are stuck in survival mode and who aren’t in a position of thriving. Someone who operates in survival mode only has the capacity to think about themselves and even if they present themselves as ready for a relationship, they’re really only seeking “what’s in it for me” from you. In other words, they’ll end up leeching off of you even if that’s not their intent. You’ll want to write it down and get real clear about what your soulmate goals are. No more ambiguous fantasies that leave you open to “seeing where things go”. No Sir and no Ma’am. You’ve already created the blueprint of what you’re looking for so you’ll know when you see it in a potential partner. 4 Become just friends first This one may be controversial to many, but I favor it because when we focus on just becoming a couple and rushing into love then we tend to overlook a lot of things that we wouldn’t if we’d just slowed down and gotten to learn each other in a less pressured environment. Even if you were just dating for a year, oftentimes there will be underlying expectations once you’re looking at each other as a romantic interest. A better approach is to remove those tensions and expectations on someone who is still a stranger and allow yourselves to be your true selves. See if there’s a legit connection, instead of creating a pretense where either one of you is focused on keeping up a good impression that may not be an accurate representation of who you (or they) really are. This is why I prefer becoming friends first because it truly allows you to get to know each other for who you are without worrying about making a good impression every time you interact. It allows for a more natural connection. You’re really getting to know someone for who they are so when the time comes to transition to the next level, it flows more easily. You’ll also have an easier time communicating during conflict when you know someone better, than if you’re always worried about hurting them because you don’t know them well enough. Becoming just friends means that you stop rushing into relationships or approaching each new person already projecting the direction of where it’s going. And yes, the friendship approach nics the “where is this going” questions because remember there are no agendas to “go anywhere”. No agendas. No more expectations. Just focus on having a good time and getting to know each other. 5 Be more social You 100% won’t meet The One because they materialized out of thin air into your bat cave. And the truth is that no one, you include is going to be interested in building a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in being social for any reason. You don’t want to feel like you’re pulling teeth to get your partner to open up or have fun, so you can’t be the one who makes others feel the same way for too long, otherwise, they’ll move on or not take a relationship with you seriously. You have to be social and become confident in social settings. Even if you were to meet someone in a more private setting, eventually there are going to be social events that come with being in a relationship. It’s no fun if you or your partner is always going it alone because one of you hates being social. We get into relationships because we hope to find someone that we can spend our time doing fun, social things with. It really defeats the purpose of being in a relationship if you or your partner still feels like a single in social settings because your partner consistently opts out of the experience. 6 Mind your attitude & beliefs on love After kissing so many toads and experiencing how cruel people are it’s easy to become jaded and wear an invisible chip on your shoulder. Often we may forecast gloom and doom on our chances of love without even realizing it and be left wondering why it’s so hard for us to find love or open up once we do. The practice of maintaining a positive mentality when it comes to love and finding your soulmate is essential. Many people tend to set a harmful timeline or suspense on how long they are willing to wait for love to “find them”. But to be truly optimistic, you can’t sell yourself short. Love doesn’t have a timeline, and fate certainly tends to laugh in our faces. Instead, create positive affirmations to manifest the love you want into your life and to help you steer clear of seeking a “right now” situationship because you became impatient. Your singlehood should be spent learning and becoming the best version of yourself. Many people aren’t doing that sort of intense work, so naturally, as you elevate there will be fewer people at the top. I’m hoping to help change that through the HIS platform here. Be mindful of any negative thoughts you have about love or the opposite gender and get very intentional about removing them from your mental. Why? Because even though it’s true there are a lot of bad apples you’re not interested in being with one of those right? So that means you can’t allow the bad actors to have an influence on you meeting The One who will be nothing like them. Think about it. Chances are your special one has also encountered their share of relationship mishaps and you wouldn’t want them counting that against you, now would you? It’s important to drop any negative beliefs that aren’t supporting the love you want. Stop giving your energy to those thoughts altogether. Instead, focus on aligning yourself with more of the qualities you do want in your love life by becoming more of it and also surrounding yourself with more of it. Remember, just as important as becoming and surrounding yourself with the things you want is rejecting what doesn’t belong. 7 Let go Stop trying to control the details on how it goes down. You have no control over anything other than the decisions you make for yourself. You simply can’t know when you’ll meet The One. The only thing you can know and prepare for is whether or not you’re ready for when that moment occurs. Focus on being the best version of yourself and being a good human being to other good human beings. Allow the rest to fall into place naturally while enjoying your singlehood. That’s how the rest becomes history. Ready to start becoming your best self? 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