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Here are the top 3 things you can expect if you’re considering becoming a client and hiring a matchmaker.
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PART I. I knew this would be too good to wrap up in one live so stay tuned for part II. Thanks again @larrygriffie for sharing from your perspective. Love the gems you dropped. We covered: - What do Black men need Black women to understand - What are the biggest struggles Black men face? - What unique challenges are there dating Black women? - Are Black men operating from mostly a survival mentality? And why? Tune in 🖤 PART II PART II. Survival mode, discrimination, masculine/feminine energies, trauma. These are all topics we cover to wrap up part 2. Thank you again @larrygriffie for taking the time out to have this conversation 🖤
 According to CDC, more than 60% of adults suffer from childhood trauma they are likely to carry throughout their entire lifetime. Whether they are unaware of the iceberg effects of their underlying trauma or they don’t know where to begin their healing process, unaddressed childhood trauma is usually the culprit that contributes to the (lack of) quality life experiences they may be suffering. In this article, we are going to cover the ways your childhood trauma may be showing up in your adult life and ruining your happiness. Truth #1: Unaddressed Childhood Trauma Is Carried With The Survivor, Remaining Usually Through Their Lifetime This first truth is key because so many people write off or worst, normalize their childhood trauma. They believe that it’s now “a thing of the past” that doesn’t affect their lives now to any significant degree. But nothing could be further from the truth. Our brain and body literally encode our childhood experiences for better or worse into our being. This serves as a learning and coping mechanism meant to help you (as a child) know what feels good, bad, safe, or dangerous. As a child when your body experiences unsafe circumstances, you started to develop coping strategies in the interest of your survival. Some examples are if your parents or caregivers were abusive you started to appease them to lessen the harm done. Even if they did something you knew was wrong as you grew older you wouldn’t say or do anything to object because your body and mind knew raising any objections would be “very bad” for you. This shows up in your adulthood by you normalizing abusive relationships and “fawning” to appease the offender instead of raising any objections. If your parents were emotionally unavailable it’s likely you developed a tendency to please them by proving your worth or by seeking the attention you lacked by misbehaving. This shows up in your adulthood by you going above and beyond to show others you care or feeling that you have to always give more than the other person so they can understand your worth and stay with you. More of us need to realize and dive deep to address the icebergs that started forming during our childhoods that we are still carrying to this day. Your childhood trauma isn’t something that “just happened so long ago” when you were a kid because your brain and body are literally carrying that trauma around inside of you as a defense mechanism. Truth #2: While It’s Unlikely You’ll Ever Get “Rid” of Your Childhood Trauma, You Can Control Your Triggers Better In Time The next truth is that your experiences as a child through being an adolescent, during a time where you had little control over what may have happened to you or your environment, will last your lifetime. The important thing then becomes not just what happened to you, but how are you going to navigate your life in light of it? You can choose to allow the trauma to rob you of a happy and fulfilling life or you can choose to fight back and not allow the trauma to win. Our goal isn’t to “get rid” of the trauma because depending on how long you endure the experience or how traumatic any single event was we can’t truly erase our memories or what I like to refer to as the “trauma mapping” our body and mind created. Our trauma can be wielded as a tool to help us better understand ourselves and become more self-aware of our triggers. It helps us better understand our needs in a relationship in order to feel secure and form healthy connections. While undertaking this healing process may seem scary at first, if you think about your current state and if you want to continue in that current state for the rest of your life, you may come to see that the perceived risks in starting sooner vs. waiting until later far outweigh any of your fears. Healing is almost like interest compounding. The sooner you start the faster it adds up and increases your quality of life! Truth #3: You Don’t Have to See A Therapist to Start Your Healing Journey, Although One May Be Helpful If You Can Afford One The final truth we’ll cover is how simple it can be for you to start taking control of your unhealed trauma right now, from the comforts of your home without necessarily inviting others into your privacy. One of the major hindrances to seeking help is the stigma associated with seeking a therapist or the expenses. But you can overcome both by using one of the HIS guides available HERE. Whether you seek a therapist or any other professional you have to realize that it’s on you to accept responsibility for not allowing the coping strategies your body developed to stay your norm. You have to do the work for yourself. Any outside help is only going to be able to provide you with resources and tools, but if you’re not using them it won’t change anything in the end, no matter how much you paid or how consistent you were with keeping your appointments. That’s the one thing I nor any other outside resources can’t give you: the self-motivation to say enough is enough and to do the work for your self-healing. SHOP THE GUIDES! Looking for affordable, inexpensive therapy you can start today from the comforts of home? Look no further than starting your HIS lifestyle with one of my $27 guidebooks! There are a great start to uncovering your root issues (the why & how to understanding your behavior). If you find yourself unhappy, struggling in relationships, repeating toxic cycles, attracted to narcissistic individuals, the empathetic doormat who everyone depends on but no one is there for you, and so much more these guides will be the start of literally changing your life and/or deepening your self-healing/love journey! Here's to your Sexy! 💋 HEALING IS SEXY: 5 ESSENTIALS TO START YOUR SELF-HEALING JOURNEY - FULL WORKBOOK
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No more chasing people who don't appreciate you or trying to prove your worth to those who don't qualify. Learn how to have it all and not prematurely cut off your benefits! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase. CURE BREAKUP OBSESSION, TOXIC DATING, & DADDY ISSUES WORKBOOK
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No more obsessing over anyone who wasn't worthy of your love. Uproot the true source of your obsession to attract the higher quality love life you deserve! Take the next step in becoming your BEST self so you can start to experience happier, healthier relationships & live a fuller life! Download digital file. Due to digital nature of this content this purchase is non-refundable. Must download file within 30 days from purchase.  Dating apps no doubt have their cons, but I believe if used properly the good can out weight the bad. For today’s blog, let’s get you set up for success with what to do and what not to do when it comes to setting up your online dating profile.
1 Obviously great photos are a must, but here’s what not to do. Don’t post pictures of you smoking, drinking/bottles, shirtless, in a crowd or group where you’re hard to distinguish, looking bored (or boring), or old photos of you that are older than 3 years (or that would make someone feel they were cat-fished). There are usually options that allow you to notify women that you smoke or drink so use those. Smoking can be seen as unattractive and a turn off is a woman is into fitness or healthy living. Every, single one of your photos should clearly depict you and some of your personality. Photos of you doing something you enjoy from walking your dog to a trip to the beach. Add variety by dressing up nicely as well as casually. Into bikes? Showcase that attire. These are the kind of quality photos that share your personality and can inspire more meaningful conversations. 2 Don’t be negative. At all. It may be tempting to list out all your “Please don’t do this…” or “Come prepared to be my Queen by checking these boxes”. But just don’t. It’s a major turn-off for any new person to be introduced to you when you’re already trying to mold them into a box of someone they haven’t even had time to consider if they want to be all that for you. Your job is to showcase your good side and your honest side to allow them to make that determination for themselves that your quality of character will only entertain a certain quality of other characters. 3 Be a conversationalist, but not longwinded. No long lists or bullet points on what you like or what you’re looking for. Those do not generate quality dates or meaningful conversations. It makes dating more transactional. Be interesting by sharing something fun or unique about yourself or something that you did. Have you been someplace new or memorable? Do you have a fun story to share? How have you been growing and learning new things? Share a snippet and invite women to engage by saying “I’d love to share more if this sounds interesting to you.” If you can incorporate playfulness with a game that’s a plus. You can do so by inviting women to guess something about you or a picture or by starting a light debate on a controversial topic. For more tips on how to get women to date you read How To Get Women To Date You. Want my help understanding and dating women? Go from Good guy, Nice guy, and even Average guy to Mr. Right. Get the help you need to stop struggling with understanding (and keeping) quality dates and women in your love life! 
Men interested in being in a healthy relationship and starting a family should know how important it is to be vulnerable, especially as a man.
Your wife needs you to be able to let her in and allow her to be your rock at times, instead of you always being so strong and building up walls. Your children, especially your sons need to see a balanced man; a strong man who knows how to process being human. One day most of us may be blessed to reach an old age which will be one of the most humbling experiences where we can’t always be as strong as we like. Relationships are never just about a man being a strong protector and provider. Men must also learn to be nurturing to provide a well-rounded balance to the family dynamic. For a man to successfully bond with a woman he has to be comfortable being vulnerable with her. The most common challenge when it comes to putting vulnerability into practice for men is just the act of owning their voice and putting it out there. Men have been largely conditioned to keep their emotions to themselves because other men and even women treat it as a sign of weakness. But the truth is men are human too, and humans have thoughts and emotions that need to be expressed.] Another challenge is that being vulnerable means facing the often-unaddressed trauma men have. This means processing and dealing with a host of emotions that men feel make them appear weak or not masculine. This is a common misconception the future health of our relationships needs more men to understand. We need you to have the courage to face your inner fears and traumas and we need you to overcome them. This is the only way we can start to experience healthier and happier relationships. A few practical ways for men to embrace vulnerability is to first commit to doing the work on yourself. Stop normalizing any traumatic experiences from your childhood and get the help you need to process and overcome them. This will help you choose better dating partners. The second way is to become intentional about not hiding your true thoughts and feelings and learn how to express yourself in a healthy way to your partner and other life situations such as at work or with family and friends. Becoming a well-rounded man shows up in the quality of the relationship. We are talking about creating a healthy lifestyle by becoming your best self in all areas. Interested in having me mentor you more on all things love, dating/relationships, and women? Sign up for my A Lady’s Man Academy dating course to be the first to know when registration opens. 
Masculinity is a BIG factor in the world of men where it can mean survival of the fittest.
Unfortunately, there is a bit of toxic masculinity and confusion on what masculinity even is because a lot of men don’t have good examples to look up to. I’m not a man, so of course, I can’t speak on everything that comes with what healthy masculinity looks like. But I can speak on being human, which men still are as well as what a good father, husband, and life partner looks like, and hopefully, this can help you shape your own identity as a man. I believe every man is responsible for defining his masculinity and shaping himself into the man he desires to be. Regardless of his past, not having a present father figure every man who hopes to lead a family and leave a legacy must become capable of first leading himself. If you’re lost on where to start defining your masculinity or feel you have to unlearn a lot of toxic masculinity one good place I like to encourage men to start is to look at examples of any good leader and pull out the characteristics that stand out to you. What makes that person a good leader? Why do they command so much admiration and respect? If you can, reach out and see if they may be able to mentor you. Remember, there are good and bad leaders as we talked about in The Damage of Anger & Insecurities To Your Legacy of Leadership so it’s important not to feel being a leader comes with an entitlement. It doesn’t. The heart of a leader is always one who serves. After determining the skill sets you’d like to develop more of from good leaders, consider getting in touch more with your feminine energy. A big misconception our society pushes on men is to show any sign of emotion or anything but strength is a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, this very thing is what destroys relationships when men don’t know how to express their emotions like anger or depression. A healthy masculinity definitely involves you becoming comfortable processing and expressing your emotions. That means being comfortable with your feminine side and moving between the two energies of masculine and femininity that exists in every human being. It's about finding your balance. At the end of the day, only you get to decide the type of man and leader you’ll become. No matter how much unlearning or learning you must do, put in the work because it’s worth it. For your present situation and the future of those who will someday depend on you. Interested in having me mentor you more on all things love, dating/relationships, and women? Sign up for my A Lady’s Man Academy dating course to be the first to know when registration opens. 
So you're back out there and ready to meet a woman who is beautiful, fun, and into you! But you're not quite sure how to attract her and get her to date you.
Here's how you can increase your chances of experiencing successful dates with women and get her to want to date you! 1. As with everything I share on this blog, start with self. In order to get a woman you like to date you, you have to first like yourself and know your strengths and weaknesses. Any areas about yourself that you don't like or feel make you a less desirable candidate make sure you're doing what you can to improve your odds. If you feel having a better source of income, a more athletic body, changing your wardrobe, or the way you wear your hair will help boost your image and confidence, then invest in making that happen. The second part of knowing yourself is so you attract and date women who are best suited for you. 2. Be approachable and personable. Most men and women are shy when it comes to dating. So you becoming a man who is both inviting and easy to approach as well as easy to talk to goes a long way! One way to do both is to be interested in others. Don't use of focus too much on "Me" or "I" statements. Focus more on getting to know her by asking well-placed questions which will help her relax and feel more connected to you. 3. Take the initiative. Some things don't change and a woman being attracted to a man who knows when and how to take charge is one of those things. If you want a woman to consider you as her man, then you must come prepared to show her what that experience will look like. A woman is wired to search for safety, confidence, and reliability in the man she dates. If she doesn't feel she can trust your leadership and guidance you will fail to earn her faith in you as her man. Learning what to say and do in various scenarios will help you prove your leadership capabilities and win her respect so she looks forward to dating you. Be clear in your intentions so there is no confusion. 4. Keep becoming your best self. The reason this is so important is because you want to create a safe space for both you and her to be happy and experience a full life if you're hoping for a future together. Dating should be a continual process of you both getting to know each other, even once married! Dating should never stop. Any insecurities or trauma from your past holding you back should also be continually worked on so that you can free yourself from the chaos entering your relationships and focus more on enjoying love. You'll be setting a good example for you both to enjoy a fruitful relationship that can stand the test of time. Notice how all of these steps have nothing to do with women and everything to do with yourself. Mistakes To Avoid There are definitely some mistakes you want to avoid when asking a woman out. Here are a few to be mindful of so you don't risk ruining your chances. 1. Making assumptions. You really don't know what you don't know and making faulty assumptions is one fast way to kill your chances. Don't assume anything, especially in the beginning. Don't assume she's attracted to you as much as you are to her, that she prefers calls over text, that she's looking for something serious, and that she likes dinner dates. Just don't do it. The good news is that this allows ample opportunity for good conversations so you can learn more about her and what is more of the right move to make. A close cousin of making assumptions is having entitlements. Again, don't assume you're entitled to anything at any time from a woman you are dating. 2. Not taking lead at all or being controlling. You have to find the right balance on this one. As I said before, women (even us strong, independent women) need to know the man we're dating can take lead. But taking lead does not mean being controlling and dictating everything. Think of what it means to be a good leader. A good leader is one who is actually serving those under his leadership. That means he is making the effort to better understand and take care of his followers and not trying to force his way onto others. When you fail to take the lead, especially in the early stages of dating you allow uncertainty to seep in and she will not rely on you to have answers or for guidance in the relationship. 3. Not knowing yourself and what you want. When you lack confidence and you don't know what you want it is grounds for inviting chaos and heartache. This is why before dating it's important to know yourself and the type of woman you hope to attract so that you can be successful in attracting more of the women you're interested in. You don't want to waste your time dating the wrong type of woman for you. You save time, money, and energy when you make sure your foundation of self and what you seek are in order first. Knowing yourself and establishing that confidence will save you from trying too hard or allowing an insecure woman to play games with your heart. What Women Want In A Man She's Dating So, what do we women look for in a man we're dating? Of course, the answer will vary, but generally, there are a few things most of us have in common. We are first looking for physical attraction. We want to be turned on by how hot you are just as much as that concept works for you. We want to get turned on when we think about how cute or hot we think you are. Every woman will have her idea of what's hot or not, same as every man has his own ideas. It's subjective so all we each can be is focused on becoming our best selves. After a physical attraction has been established we start to look for an emotional connection. Are you the type of man we feel comfortable with? Do we feel heard, seen, and cared for? Do we feel valued and loved? Do we feel understood? Finally, one other thing we consider is if a partnership with you can stand the test of time and what does that look like. Yes, you're attractive and we even have great chemistry together, but are we able to work out our differences in a civil manner without tearing each other down? Are our values in alignment or are we to different people who may be better off as friends? Those are just some of the things women are looking for in the men we date. Check out other articles for Men to keep learning! Interested in having me mentor you more on all things love, dating/relationships, and women? Sign up for my A Lady’s Man Academy dating course to be the first to know when registration opens. 
Can you imagine what type of leaders our anger and insecurities can make us?
Toxic leaders such as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Genghis Khan, King Leopold II, Mao Zedong, and Idi Amin are examples of what happened. Google them and you will see nothing but death follows and only pain and suffering have been their legacies. Is that the kind of legacy you want to leave? Is that even the kind of life you want to live? Being hated and feared by those closest to you? Never able to trust anyone? Always needing to look over your shoulder for fear of when someone is going to retaliate? That’s a stressful way to live life on a daily basis and it’s not good for any human being, especially when you add having so much power to the mix as those toxic leaders had. When it comes to men and dating your leadership (or lack thereof) becomes evident right away. If you have unresolved anger, trauma, and insecurities they will no doubt dictate the type of leader you become. Your first instinct will always be self-preservation, even in a relationship setting where putting another’s best interest before your own is required. You will not be capable of truly loving another because you haven’t loved yourself enough first to heal what ails you. You will always believe the other person is out to hurt you because of the walls your trauma has built up. Don’t fool yourself and think that you can let someone in and everything will work out fine. It is only a matter of time before an issue arises where your insecurities will trigger you to react in a way that spells the end of a healthy relationship. And the cycle will continue. The truth is there is no room in a healthy, happy relationship for unresolved trauma. Men who hope to become good leaders and leave behind a legacy worth honoring need to make their healing a priority. You can visit my HIS store to purchase the healing guide that best suits your situation to start your healing journey. Don’t waste another hour leaving your anger or trauma-related issues unaddressed. Only you can do the work to change it and save your relationships from repeatedly ending in disaster. Interested in having me mentor you more on all things love, dating/relationships, and women? Sign up for my A Lady’s Man Academy dating course to be the first to know when registration opens. 
It seems men are still struggling to adjust to the changes within our society that have allowed women to become protectors and providers for themselves.
Many men would argue that this makes them feel useless. If they don’t feel needed or desired in a relationship, then what’s the point? While it’s true most men have an innate need to protect, provide, and be not only needed but desired by their women, I want to suggest to you that those attributes are not the only valuable qualities men bring to the table. It is very possible for a man to not be the sole provider or protector of his family and still be highly sought after and desired. Here’s how to lead women in today’s society no matter what your status is in life. 1. You MUST Possess Exceptional Character No woman who understands the true quality of character or healthy relationships is going to ask her man to be perfect. We understand you are human. We welcome your emotional vulnerability and the moments where you may shed a few tears. Unfortunately, too many men are leading with everything but good character. They’ve brought into the faulty image of materialistic women who only care about how much money they have in their wallets or the fancy cars they’re driving. It goes without saying that if you lead with materialistic things, you’re going to attract a materialistic woman. One who isn’t going to love you for who you are, nor would she be interested in doing so. But it is your responsibility to make sure you attract the type of woman you’re seeking. You do this by being mindful of how you start your interactions with women. 2. You MUST Prioritize Your Healing Journey So many men have been traumatized and our society has only conditioned you to bury your trauma deeper. To seek help means exposing a vulnerable weakness or it’s too expensive. But one of the biggest reasons for unhealthy, toxic relationships is insecure men. Men who allow their anger and inability to process emotions tear the relationship apart because they haven't dealt with their trauma. An exceptional leader can’t expect to keep his house in order if he hasn’t already taken care of his own inner house. Make becoming your best self your priority. If you are carrying pent-up anger or trauma do the work to start healing from that now. Otherwise, it will show up in your relationships and keep you and your partner constantly at odds. 3. Seek to Constantly Become Better At Relationships Too many men are in love with the idea of being in love, but once they score the woman of their dreams they end up losing her because they didn’t know what to do to maintain the relationship. Real leaders plan for success and move in a manner that ensures it continues. They have a vision and they know it takes consistent investment into that vision to see it flourish. If you only see two feet in front of you you’re going to hit a brick wall. Every time. And not know what to do. You’ll react, instead of having a plan of action that shows you’re a leader capable of leading your partner and family. The only way you can move from being reactive to proactive is if you study relationships and seek to become better at navigating them. You must become a student of love, relationships, and women. If you do these 3 things you will be well on your way to experiencing more success and happiness in your love life with women! Interested in having me mentor you more on all things love, dating/relationships, and women? Sign up for my A Lady’s Man Academy dating course to be the first to know when registration opens. |
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